My marriage to a gay man was marked by emotional dryness and a complete lack of physical affection. I am an affectionate woman; it was natural for me to touch him – his arm, his shoulder – in nonsexual affection. But he would cringe as if struck, and often say, “Stop! You know that bothers me!” It wasn’t long at all before the only physical contact we had was during sexual intercourse – which we had for most of our years together because, quite frankly, I wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
I’ve been told by several women that they (or their sisters, or their friends) went for years without any physical contact whatsoever – and I often felt that DH would have preferred things that way, himself.
Longing for emotional intimacy – for him – I was occasionally given sex: dispassionate, mechanical sex. Sex that might have been dictated by some sort of user’s manual: touch this, stroke here, kiss now… insert Tab A into Slot B… (dear God can we please just get this over with?)
Sex and love become highly confused in such a situation. Where physical affection takes on exaggerated significance, either as the substitute for love or the associated expression of denied love, then all sorts of warped sexual response can develop in us. I don’t suggest that ex-wives of gays are the only women who might be able to go from 0-60 in 1.3 seconds, if you get my drift… or who are so hyperresponsive to physical affection, but we do face a real danger of mistaking sexual interest (which we didn’t get from our gay husbands) with authentic love (which we also didn’t get from our gay husbands); and the glorious euphoria of being treated like a desirable woman, when we resume dating, can become a high-risk opportunity to lose one’s head and become incautious in our relationships.
Being used for easy sex is as bad as – maybe worse than – being denied affection at all.
How to find balance? Honey, don’t ask me. I decided to remain celibate after one particularly humiliating dating experience. I’ve had my “Do Not Disturb” sign out, now, for several years. Life’s easier and more tranquil this way.
Just be aware, okay? And decide before you date what your limits are going to be – and what you really want – and don’t want. And be cautious, too. A good man with honorable intentions is not going to try to press his advantage on your vulnerability.
6 thoughts on “The confusion of sex/love”
Thank you so much for this post. I am divorcing a homosexual. It is so good to be almost free from him! I will never remarry. I am so thankful to be alone, and I know that I could never trust or even be interested in another man after “the rainbow.”
Good to know that there are more of us out there! Good luck, sisters!
How long were you married, Jennifer? And how are you holding out, after the revelation?
Searching for a legal issue, I stumbled onto your site. It’s thought provoking. You’re right, wives are probably not considered. No wonder since the current focus is solely on the “feelings” and “needs” of the ‘gay’ man or woman. Just this week I discovered it’s the other way around, too, where wives up and leave their husbands and children for a woman–and it’s celebrated! How selfish people can be and are becoming.
I once heard an account of a gay man lamenting that his dad told him when he was six that he would one day have desires for other men like he had, but “be the man and beat those urges because your wife and children will need you.” Obviously that boy rejected his dad’s advice and grew up so confused that he wished his dad had not been “the man” which means he never would have fathered his son.
A great book is “Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey” by former homosexual-while-married Alan Medinger. Once he realized what he was doing, he asked God for help, and help He did. Fantastic book about a man who chose to be the man for his wife and children. Now deceased, Mr Medinger’s wife and children are intensely thankful for what he did for them. Celebrating a man’s powerful will to submit his will to God’s will, will both encourage such a man and eternally bless those under his charge. May God bless you all.
We were together for about 4 years, married for 1 1/2. I’m doing well! I feel so relieved to know that he was the one with the big problem. Of course, I should have been more aware, but homosexuality is his problem. Not mine. Glad this blog exists. Please write more!
i have just discovered that my boy friend is gay we have been together for a year and we were supposed to get engaged within a month … He didnt tell me i was suspecting things and always knew that something was wrong but i never thought that he would be homosexual i thought that he might be cheating with other girls and thats why i decided to check his phone and then the truth was revealed i saw pictures conversations and many more i faced him and he couldnt deny it and he collapsed and told me that he is attached to me emotionally but that is only something physical which is out of his hands and that he tried to tell me several times but he didnt have the guts to do it .. he asked begged me not to tell anyone and that he has been leading this double life ever since he was born and if his family and friends know about it his mother could die … i am traumatized i am confused and i dont know what to do .. i feel betrayed abused cheated on and dragged into a big fucked up lie .. i really dont know what to do !
Sara — First of all, my deepest apologies for not approving your message and getting back to you sooner. I dropped my poor old laptop once too often, I’m afraid, and have had very limited internet access since.
Sara. all I can offer you is sorority. Been there, done that, have the scars.
Of course, you don’t want to be an ugly woman and drag your boyfriend through the mud. In reality, that would make you the villain. And the fact that you were dating means your relationship was pretty limited. On the other hand, if you were living together, then that changes the dynamics considerably. If you have children, then that complicates things even more.
First thing, if you’ve been having sex, you need to be screened IMMEDIATELY for HIV and … well, your health care provider might want to do a general blood test to rule out other std’s.
Second, you need to extricate yourself from the relationship — an “amputation” if necessary — in order to build a new life for yourself. Give yourself some time to grieve — and then before you re-enter the dating scene, I strongly urge you to take a personal inventory, a self-analysis, and see what it is about this man that attracted you in the first place, and then what of those attributes might have blinded you to his homosexuality.
I’m sorry — it makes me very angry to see men so willing to use women to hide behind, with no consideration whatsoever how it might hurt us.
Keep me posted. I think I’m back online again with more security – hope so, anyway.
God bless you, Sara!