For such a small, neglected, and insignificant little blog, I hear from a surprising number of women fairly regularly.  This always surprises me.  Someone takes time to post a comment, or to send me an email . . .

The recurring theme of the messages I receive from other women is that of feeling isolated.  “No one knows . . .” they say.

They’re right.  No one who hasn’t been through a marriage and divorce with a gay man has any idea what we go through. It’s a subtle and insidious form of abuse, what we live with in the marriage

And, as one woman recently pointed out, when we divorce a gay man, the social reaction is different.  A woman divorces a man who’s been committing adultery, everyone sympathises with her, supports her, sympathises with her in the sense of the betrayal she’s experienced, the humiliation . . .

But when a woman divorces a man for being gay, or he leaves her for another man, the ex-wife is completely overlooked in the general rush to applaud the man for being gay.

That’s all that matters in this society — he’s gay, he’s got to be the hero. Isn’t it wonderful! isn’t it good! He has finally been able to come out and to live honestly.  Now he can be happy – – –

So it’s terribly lonely, even more so than a regular divorce.  And, as this same (very astute) woman pointed out to me, “I know a lot of women who’ve gone through divorces, but none of them have a gay (or transgender) husband.”  So our situation is odd and we go through it very much alone.


5 thoughts on “Isolation

  1. It must be hard, devastating, to watch people applaud a life choice that, if made in a vacuum, would be fine, but it wasn’t made in a vacuum or while single. His life choice to come out was made in a heterosexual marriage and in doing so, it tore your life apart. You deserve to be heard, remembered, and comforted, like everybody else. Hugs.


  2. Thank you for this very accurate portrayal. Our liberal media is bending over backwards to make the ex wives look like bigoted people and to make our gay and transgender husbands the new rock stars of society. I feel it is a world turned upside down. Very often these men have left not only one wife, but two or more and who knows how many children behind, while they pursue their own personal happiness. The brokenness they leave behind is hard to fathom. I am seeing my soon to be ex husband’s grown children suffer. His own son barely invited him to his wedding. His children now feel like they have been abandoned twice by their father. This is not something to applaud. Thank you for your post.


  3. This is happening to me right now. I am the horrible insensitive soon to be ex wife. I opened our marriage and he left me for that guy after eight weeks. People in our small town that he left, this man is in another state, all think I did something horrible to him. He was a FF and EMT here and a “hero”. He crushed our family and has totally rejected us while everyone pats him on the back for being so “honest and brave”. No words. Thank you for sharing your story. This is hell. And I have nothing against gay people. My first husband’s mom is gay and she and her partner are awesome and people and are so upset he did this. Its not just the gay thing it’s seems to be very male centric and like you said almost cult like in nature. Not all gay men are like this and would never dream of doing this to someone. I think it takes a special kind of coward/sociopathic personality combined with the sexuality issues that creates the “perfect storm”.


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