It’s not “just about (me.)” I don’t oppose gay “marriage” out of personal resentment. This issue is a lot bigger than my personal feelings (which are a lot more complicated than mere resentment).
When DH left us and began to openly hang out with his gay friends, his personality underwent a distinct change. It wasn’t for the better. The energetic, cheerful, beautiful boy who was always eager to help others, kind, compassionate . . . the “chaplain” of our circle of friends for more than a decade! – became cold, angry, remote. His sense of humor vanished; he became crude and sarcastic.
This wasn’t just a matter of resentment towards me, as the villain ex-wife; he pushed away all our old friends, friends who loved him and would have accepted him regardless his lifestyle choices. But suddenly they were “stupid,” “idiotic,” or some other quality that left them unworthy of continuing his friendship.
Through DH and a couple of gay neighbors and coworkers over the years, I’ve noticed that the gay community is badly mis-named “gay.” Maladjusted, angry, resentful, hypercritical, backbiting . . . the list of unhappy adjectives grows and grows. It’s not about lack of social acceptance, either; even in safe, loving environments, even with a privileged status in our society, now, homosexuals are not gay by any stretch of the imagination. Camp, maybe, but certainly not gay.
What does this have to do with gay marriage? And why would I want to deprive someone I claim I love of the comforts and benefits of a life partnership?
The real issue isn’t about “rights” or recognition; it’s about people being at war within themselves. DH is angry because he’s at war with himself. His choices have violated the very best of who he is. I know that, and our friends see it, and on a deep level I think he knows it, too. Knows it and resents it.
See, the more you have that should make you happier, the more you resent that you aren’t happy, you blame everyone else and set a new objective to achieve, certain it will resolve the restlessness you’re feeling.
So the “program” isn’t working for gays. When “progress” creates more bitterness and aggression, then the program is an utter failure. Gay marriage won’t make gays happier; it is just one more false ideal to push toward.
Angry people make lousy spouses. And legitimating gay marriage will, I fear, only further entrap miserable and bitter men and women in a lifestyle that has sucked the joy out of them, and replaced joy and well-being with misery and resentment. I see gay men and women becoming not more contented with the progress they’ve made in social recognition and approbation, but more and more hostile and aggressive. Fighting everyone as well as themselves, and getting more deeply entrenched the whole time.
I want DH to be free of these traps. I want him to be honest with himself and true to his best self. Gay marriage won’t give that to him; in fact, it will give him just the opposite, the inverse, of what he wants.