Thirty-nine years. That’s how long we would have been married.
That’s an enormous number. I’m not sure I have quite gotten my mind around it. Of course, we have been divorced for twenty-five. That’s another big number.
It’s bigger, still, when I realize how old I’m getting, and when I have conversations with men friends and feel myself keeping them at arms length, looking askance at what might well be ordinary male behavior or perspective (Particularly Alpha Male doings) —
because the fact is, I don’t trust any more. I’d like to. I look at some of my men friends and I know they are good men.
But DH was also a “good man,” and look how that turned out. If he could deceive so completely, how can I trust anyone?
I don’t.
Surviving The Rainbow 
I sympathize. Interestingly, trust is a major issue with every woman who escapes a relationship with a “good” man who was NOT what he pretended to be. How to trust others, how to trust oneself, both are equally difficult and equally damaged. It is even worse sometimes when one is also left shaken and doubting, afraid even to trust God.
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I guess I am a survivor. I remember looking for people like myself and thinking I would never be normal or happy again. I was divorced in 2000 from my husband of 17 years. We spent most of those years in “the ministry.” I raised my 2 children alone for what seemed like forever but eventually my desire to try again overcame my fear. Marriages can implode for so many reasons… Having your partner of many years announce (loudly) to the world that they are batting for the other team is devastating. i can’t say how it compares to other reasons but it seemed like the worst to me at the time. I felt like I was walking around my small town naked for a few years. No one should ever minimize it but they do and will continue to – especially now when there is blanket acceptance. All I can say is that I am happily remarried for six years to a man was also betrayed, but under totally different circumstances. It’s not perfect (what’s that?) but happiness is a choice and I choose to live. I hope that you can find the courage to live again too. It’s worth the cost to get there!
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