Note from Laura: I’d thought I was done with reading up on this topic, until I felt strongly compelled to start this blog, less than a week ago. There’s more material available now, and I’ll add to this list what I believe truthful and helpful as I discover it, but in the meantime, here are some “classics” that are well worth checking into. Some can be gotten for as little as a penny via Amazon –
Dannemeyer, William. Shadow in the Land: Homosexuality in America. San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1989. A prophetic look, as it turns out, of the political and social ramifications of rise of the radical gay lobby, beginning with a recounting of the story of how the 1973 Conference of the American Psychiatric Association was hijacked, and the APA politically coerced into removing Homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM).
NARTH – National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. Bitterly derided by the gay community, this organization is, so far as I know or anyone in the know can tell me, the only organization devoted to authentic scientific research in matters homosexual. (There are other organizations doing research, but they are driven and funded by the gay community and, consequently, have a predetermined agenda: legitimating homosexuality in the general public consciousness — even when their research is flawed, misleading, dishonest, and just plain bad.)
Prager, Dennis. Ultimate Issues: Judaism, Homosexuality and Civilization. Culver City, CA: Dennis Prager, 1990. This is the first work I discovered as I was realizing what was going on in my own situation, and I’m still partial to it. Prager explores the historical, cultural, and theological aspects of homosexuality.
And some good websites:
From Focus on the Family: Pure Intimacy
Surviving The Rainbow 
Please help me know I am not alone.I found out about my 60 yr.old husband of a 33 yr.marriage,had a double life 9 yrs.ago.He had a online relationship with a dominatrix, he called himself a “sub-male” named (pardon me) “Sissy-slut Tina”-(a man who likes to wear women’s clothes and to be humiliated).He also had interest in “cuckolding” and as a third wheel to couples who were swingers.I had never heard of these things until I googled them and I was in complete shock.This was online and in his real life.I am a 53 yr.old born-again Christian of 34 yrs.I had always been a homemaker/ and mother to our three daughters-now adults.I feel robbed of a marriage.The man I THOUGHT I married was not who I ended up with.I feel completely betrayed,isolated and lonely.He has not given me the courtesy to elaborate on these activities.He tells me that I am living in the past.But I have no way to get over this because he won’t be honest with me.He just wants it to go away.He is not willing to work through helping me understand the truth and reality of this because of his pride and arrogance.He minimizes and denies it all.I have no one to talk to about this because even the Christian community and therapists don’t have much experience with this type of thing.I am depressed and all alone.I feel no one would believe me because he tries to keep “a good guy” persona intact, at all times.I don’t feel like I can stay in a marriage with no trust a minute longer,but don’t have the know-how to get out.I ask the Lord, what am I to do??Thanks for any incite that you may have to offer. Sincerely, Renee
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Renee, my heart goes out to you. I was married only 11 1/2 years, and it was a kick in the solar plexus; I can only imagine how much more traumatic the revelation must have been to you.
Your husband might be unable to talk about the situation out of personal confusion, or cowardice, or denial . . . or disrespect. I’ve been told that there’s a lot of narcissism in the gay community, and I sure see a lot of it. I’ve observed a tendency in gay children to emotionally blackmail parents, and in gay spouses to mentally and emotionally abuse a spouse they’ve promised to love, honor, and cherish. Your husband’s refusal to give you what in a straight marriage would be common honesty and respect makes me wonder whether he’s also a narcissist; I’ve been told by four clinical professionals that DH sounds like one, himself. He also refused to discuss the situation with me, as if his “little secret” were of no concern to me.
You may want some counseling while you get your feet under you, while you absorb the shocking revelations and make decisions where to go from here. Nothing wrong with that — in fact, if you are covered on your husband’s insurance, go for it. I’ve found that therapy is much more practical than it sounds, and it helps to have the input of someone not emotionally connected to the two of you. I think you’ll find this is a lot more common than you presently realize (because no one will talk about it) and that therapists are being confronted with this situation on a regular basis, any more. Even the Christian ones — maybe especially the Christian ones, because I think as more and more of the churches are becoming “gay friendly” the gay spouse no longer has the need or the incentive to remain closeted.
You’ll do well to confer with an attorney, as well, to know what your state requires in the way of your rights and your obligations. I recommend you get a referral through your church or one in the same denomination or a sister church, if you’re in an independent evangelical church; a nice, low-key information session is what you want at this point. But do ask the consulting attorney if he or she can be a barracuda on your behalf, if that is needed. I’ve found, working with attorneys over the years that most of them are pretty conscientious and will not provoke trouble, nor shirk from it. But there are those who want an aggressive case to push through, lots of billable hours and so on, and that might not be what you can deal with, right now. So take advantage of free consults and do a bit of research.
Do your daughters know? What has their response been?
I can’t advise you whether to go or stay; there are good reasons for both, and only you can know your resources, your capacity for independence, and so on. Regardless, I expect some very big changes are in store for you. You will have to build a new life for yourself, whether you leave your husband or remain with him.
I wish I had more to tell you, to give you. You’ll be in my prayers. Email me – please let me know how you’re doing.
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Laura, thank you for giving me some insight about things that I can do.You are correct in believing that my husband could be narcissistic.I have felt this myself for years.He lacks empathy, lies,deceives,minimizes historically,has a temper and is arrogant.He doesn’t say that he’s sorry for anything only for himself when he gets caught,that’s the only way he ever stops any of his behaviors (for a time).I have never seen him shed a tear.He can not admit to anything that he has ever done.That would be him admitting he was imperfect in some way,which would blow his cover,even at my very expense.I have been looking locally for a Christian counselor,I found an older female who has quite a few years of experience under her belt.I need to just call,it causes me to relive all the feelings talking to someone though, almost like a PTSD trigger with anxiety and such.But I really need someone to help me and believe me.You feel like no one will understand why it effects you so.BUT IT HAS…period.He is controlling,case in point,I started a shop on the ETSY site, selling vintage and antique items, which I am good at and enjoyed very much.This was a way to make a little money and a way to keep my mind busy and have worth and be productive at home.He had installed the ETSY app on his phone that tells you when any activity on the site occurs by different rings and sounds.He hovers over his phone even all day while at his own job and texts me whenever I have a sale or conversation, or when something needs to be shipped out etc.I AM AN ADULT, I do not need someone over-seeing my business.I can see when I have activity myself on my phone and home PC. And I have nothing but 5-star ratings because I have good customer service and really want to provide quality items for purchase.He will not remove the app from his phone even when I have asked him to.He does not want to help me as needed but wants to be in control of it, all or nothing,that’s the way he does with anything.Well I am losing money and my passion for it, but he refuses to back off.I am very hurt by this.It is something I always wanted to do, for myself.And it has turned into an unpleasant experience for me and he obviously doesn’t care enough about me to understand this.And I feel hate for him inside because of this.In response to your question “Do my children know of his behavior?” well my oldest daughter who is now 35, saw the emails which he had on his alternate email under the name “Willing 34” which contained all the nonsense,yes.The other two younger daughters only know that Dad was having an online affair (not what type) and we went through a rough period in the marriage.(Well the rough patch never ended for me, he got over it unscathed) of course. Anyway I know this is a book..I appreciate your correspondence, I really do.Sometimes if you feel comfortable I am here to listen if you need to vent your story, I have been told that I am a good listener too. Stay strong in the Faith. Renee M.
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Change your password. 😉
More soon.
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